Lab Rats and Other Breakfast Ideas

All-righty then. Well, this morning, Princess Pissant finds herself in the rare and enviable position of NOT having any contract hanging over her head. Workaholic that she is, Princess Pissant nonetheless has arrived at the Office, where she joins several of her office-mates in the state of sanctioned idleness and official unemployment.

All the more reason to splurge on a specialty coffee drink – Pumpkin Chai latte – and gourmet breakfast sandwich – one of those upscale McMuffin thingies. (By way of background, for those new to PrincessPissant-AnotherDayattheOffice, the Office is actually a Starbucks.)

Anyway, Princess Pissant is not one to let the grass grow long under her feet; without any contract to hang over her head hovering on the horizon, she’s been perusing online employment resources.

Basically, I registered at the local university to receive email notifications when a position suiting my background and qualifications becomes available. Here’s what I’ve got so far this morning:

Animal technician: Responsible for the care and welfare of laboratory animals used in medical and dental research. While the AT will occasionally have direct involvement in experimental work, daily tasks pertain to the routine and essential care and welfare of the animals, such as: cleaning cages, pens, trays, equipment and fittings; feeding and watering animals; handling and moving animals safely; administering medicines; checking the environment (for example, temperature and humidity); monitoring the condition of animals and recognizing and resolving any behavioral problems; obtaining samples and measurements; collecting and recording data; ensuring animals are kept clean and comfortable. Depending on level of experience, the AT may help breed animals especially for use in research; monitor pregnancies; care for newborn animals and measure weight gain and growth. Some understanding of the science supporting individual studies is required in such cases.

Okay, so let me start with six simple words, at least two of which WERE included in my online application: English Major. Deathly Afraid of Rats.

Now, here’s where Princess Pissant’s father might step in to remind her about how he TOLD her that the only jobs available to English majors would be waitressing, panhandling and/or tending to lab rats, and that she SHOULD have studied computer science. Well, before you go patting yourself on the back for your wisdom and foresight, Dad, check out the other job notification that this seemingly unemployable English major received today:

Senior Program Coordinator II: Will design, develop, test, optimize, maintain, monitor, and back up the web-based databases for the GI and Immunology research process management system for research clinical trials. The SPC II will also design and develop user interface for data manipulation, and act as software developer for a web-based research management system to enable electronic submission, tracking, and review of scientific, regulatory and compliance information.

I can’t really figure out how to submit my application for this position online – keep getting pesky error messages – but once I do, I am totally throwing my hat in that ring. Who knew there were so many positions that would be deemed well-suited to me? And while I have no idea what anything in that job description means, it sounds – to the laywoman’s ears – like it’s got to be well-paid. I mean that is a shit-load of responsibility.

Of course, if I were to get a real job, that would severely cut down on my time here at the Office. I guess then I’d be one of the drive-thru folk, and just wave a friendly how-do-you-do? each morning to my former colleagues like FSGA (Former Secret Government Agency) guy and TMABITW (The Most Awesome Barista in the World).

Not only would that be a shame, since I’m still just settling in here, but it would mean a premature death to this awesome blog. And, little by little, I’ve been researching how to make PP-ADATO even more popular and successful than it already is.

So the word on the cyber sphere is that to be a successful blogger, you’ve got to follow OTHER blogs. I know: WTF?, right? Like I’ve got that kind of time?

But I get it . . . sort of a let’s-all-support-one-another, Kumbaya spirit type thing. I’m cool with that. And while I am not NATURALLY a team player, by any stretch of the imagination, I at least can pretend to be . . . if it’s going to increase readership of my blog.

One of my friends recently asked me, “Um, and what’s your purpose in doing this . . . blog thing?”

Well, to begin with, I read this New Yorker article about this woman called Pioneer Woman, who blogs about her life as a cattle rancher’s wife and stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) who home schools her four kids. Admittedly, my first thought was: BO-ring! But the article went on to explain how this broad has a HUGE following, and has been on Oprah and The View, and landed book deals, and thousands of followers converged on New York City when Pioneer Woman came East for a book tour, and they all threw their panties at her, and basically she’s made gazillions of dollars from blogging about her boring-ass life in the middle of nowhere.

And I thought: if Pioneer Woman can do it, why can’t I?

Well, maybe I should’ve have looked before I leaped. I finally had a chance to check out Pioneer Woman’s blog over the weekend, and, well, I have to say, it’s a little more sophisticated than I had imagined. To begin with, her photos are nothing short of amazing, and they make Princess Pissant’s efforts with the hipsta-thingamagiggy on her iPhone look, quite frankly, amateurish.

What’s more, Pioneer Woman has this brilliant gimmick whereby she peppers her blog with gourmet recipes that are, at one and the same time, inspirational and intimidating: Make Ahead Muffin Melts, Herb Roasted Pork Tenderloin with Preserves, Molten Chocolate Lava Cake. (I am not making this shit up.) Each recipe is accompanied by a very professional-looking picture of whatever delectable dish.

I’ll be the first to admit: it’s hard not to hate Pioneer Woman. But that’s the point. People not only don’t hate her; they LOVE her. And they LOVE her blog.

Herein lies the difference, I think, and it’s something to consider as I plow ahead with PP-ADATO. Pioneer Woman represents an ideal to which ordinary women can aspire, while Princess Pissant (probably) represents a low to which ordinary women hope they never sink? But isn’t there room – and a purpose – in the blogosphere for both of us?

I’ll let you, my current and future followers, be the judge.

For the meantime, I am going to follow the lead – if not aim for the standard – of Pioneer Woman and include a few recipes of my own. Here’s what my kids had for breakfast.

CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH WITH SOUR MILK

PRINCESS PISSANT IMPROVISATION: CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH WITH NO MILK