Yeah, that’s right: IF! And TG for that! Indeed there are quite a few folk TG-ing here at the office today: occupying my coveted workspace is none other than: a Bible Study Group.
Well, to call it a “group” is a bit of overstatement. It’s three biddies nibbling on scones and poring over the New Testament. To call them “biddies” is probably a tad misleading as well. They all appear to be about my age, but don’t think I’m going to tell you what that is. (If you’re reading this, Mom, and you’re probably the only one who is, you already know . . .)
Anyway, the Bible Group ladies are talking about how their kids are at “Vacation Bible Camp” this week.
Vacation Bible Camp is hugely popular around here. I don’t get it. To me, “vacation” and “Bible” probably don’t belong in the same sentence. And, I’m sorry, but it’s either one or the other – a vacation cannot also be a Bible camp. How do these people sell their kids on such a charade?
If I told my kids that they were going to “Vacation Bible Camp,” they’d be like, “Um, what’s a Bible?” And if I told them, truthfully, what a Bible is, they’d be like, “Um, NO!”
By this time, you’re probably wondering: what do I do with my kids while I’m here at the office? Actually, you probably are not. You probably don’t give a shit because, really, who gives a shit about anyone else’s kids?
Speaking of which, yesterday I discovered that – here at the office – we’ve got a Mommy-blogger in our midst. I know she’s a Mommy-blogger because I was behind her at the pastry glass and she tried to engage me in a conversation about tree nut allergies.
Then, when I didn’t bite, she would not shut the F up about her son’s tree nut allergy, and the various “nut challenges” they’d had to put him through, and her involvement in the Food Allergy and Anaphylaxis Network (FAAN), and Would I like to sponsor her in some kind of March on Washington?
Me: Are you like marching against nuts?
Mommy-blogger (slowly, as if talking to someone mentally deficient): No. It’s to raise awareness about food allergies.
Like who, in this day and age, is not already aware of all the freaking food allergies out there? You can’t even pack a G.D. lunch anymore without worrying about half the class going into anaphylactic shock.
Me (reaching for my wallet – not to make a donation but to pay for my banana-NUT muffin): I see.
After this Mommy-blogger stomped off and began typing furiously at her laptop, which is how I figured that she’s a Mommy-blogger, and that chances are I was going to be featured in her blog. And probably not in a complimentary kind of way.
Well guess what Mommy-blogger? My kid has food allergies too, and he’s got an Epi-pen and all that, and you don’t see me asking for handouts? Anyway, aren’t there rules again soliciting at the office?
BTW, for those of you who are new to Another Day at the Office – which would be pretty much anyone reading this, since as of 4:30 a.m. this morning, the last and final time I checked, I had a grand total of 0 (zero) followers – “the office” is in fact a Starbucks.
NFI. (That is: No Further Information.)
NFI about this particular Starbucks, at an undisclosed location whose actual coordinates could be considered highly sensitive and must remain secret, because of – insert whisper voice – FSGA guy.
FSGA guy – which you would know if you’d tuned in yesterday at the launch of this blog – refers to Former Secret Government Agency guy. Like me, FSGA guy works outta Starbucks.
Interestingly, FSGA guy is MIA today.
There are two plausible scenarios here: 1) He works late Monday-Thursday and takes every other Friday off OR 2) He is on a Top Secret Mission.
I am choosing to believe the latter, and praying for his safe return. Not exactly praying, per se. But I am thinking about him, and thinking about asking the Bible Study Group ladies to keep him in their thoughts as well. I am also thinking about asking them: How, really, did Jesus get so many followers?
Because I’m batting zero here.
Anyway, back to your question: How DO I balance such a demanding work schedule and the equally demanding obligations of motherhood?
And don’t worry: I won’t let Another Day at the Office slide down that slippery slope into Mommy-blog-dom. Rest assured: neither of my kids has done anything remotely cute, interesting, nor brag-worthy since they were 9 months old. And I don’t foresee that changing in the near or far future.
So the following may the last you’ll ever hear of them:
I manage to balance career and family by dropping the kids off at Tae Kwon Do camp for 8 hours a day. TKD camp is run by the venerable Master Wong. So far as I can tell, a typical day entails: one hour of punching and kicking each other, followed by: video game time, lunch break, some more punching and kicking each other, and then some sort of martial arts-related or culturally-relevant field trip. Usually Chuck E. Cheese.
Yesterday, they went in a van to a public swimming pool – and the fact that I was fine with that, even though my kids are 6 and 4, and don’t know how to get into or out of their own swimsuits, and Master Wong barely speaks English – shows one of two things: either I am the worst mother imaginable (and thus have no business blogging about it anyway) or I am just so totally committed to my job, here at the office, that I cannot be bothered.
In my defense, I probably am not the worst mom ever since I did find it concerning when the only thing the kids could report about the swimming pool was “the naked old man” that they saw in the shower, whom they then described in great detail and with much hilarity. The fact that I found their account disturbing, on a number of levels, shows that I am in fact not that bad a mother.
Another thing you are probably curious about is this mysterious contract that I alluded to yesterday, which is the real purpose – beyond blogging – of my setting up camp here at Starbucks. You’re probably wondering: what is that important contract she’s got hanging over her head? What’s it all about? What exactly is she getting paid to do?
Well, you and me both sister! I haven’t an F-ing clue. All I know is that I am due to present my work the week after next. So next week is going to be crunch-time here at the office. TKD camp will be over, but hey, just it time for school to start.
So don’t stress on my account.
One more thing: I absolutely LOVE the receptionist here. She’s not at all one of those self-serious types who bristles or balks when asked to make coffee. Speaking of which, it’s time for a coffee break.
Only a few more hours left before the weekend. TGIF indeed!